Somebody To Love

The only way out is through. This is true for heartbreaks as well. I’d like to reflect on a few lessons learned – learning! -from my recent break-up. Grief comes in waves they say. Don’t they mean tsunami?

There’s no love without loss. It’s part of the deal. We all love to be in denial of this fact, but sooner or later we all lose people we love. Happily ever after means that inevitably you will watch your partner die. I used to find this thought horrifying, but I’ve made peace with it. As Glennon Doyle beautifully wrote: “Grief is love’s souvenir. It’s our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world: Look! Love was once mine. I love well. Here is my proof that I paid the price.” It takes a lot of courage to love, and a lot of wisdom to love well. Likewise, it takes a lot of courage to grieve, and a lot of wisdom to grieve well. I hope I am learning.

One of the most poignant definitions of love I’ve come across is this famous one from the M.Scott Peck: “Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” It resonates with me on all levels. Love is an act of will, not a feeling. It requires conscious effort. It’s not something that happens to us. Falling in love is the invitation, not the prize. Love requires extending ourselves. We must break out of our shells to truly get close to somebody. This vulnerability is scary as fuck. It takes tremendous courage to let ourselves be seen. Love is as much part of the process of our own growth as it is of the people we love. This is why I don’t believe the ending of a romantic relationship needs to imply it was a failed one. We can grow and we can outgrow.

What happens when we get physically close to somebody and look them straight in the eyes? We see our own reflection in their eyes. Nature is beautiful in this way. It teaches us so much about life and death. We just need to pay attention. We learn so much about ourselves through the eyes of the other. But you have to be willing to get close and that’s the hardest part. The transformation is in the vulnerability. Growth is never comfortable.

Waiting around for other people to love us is one of the stupidest things we can do. Yet consciously or unconsciously, we all get trapped in this thinking. We all know those little voices in our heads saying “No one will ever love me”. We spend large parts of our lives looking for those special people that will prove us wrong. Our yearning to be loved can be powerful and overwhelming. It’s such a rare and beautiful thing to find people willing to share a part of this journey called life with us. The hardest part of the break-up for me is not the loss of love, but the sting of rejection. We not only want the love, but also the validation.

The need is real, but also completely outside of our control. We cannot make somebody love us. We can push and pull, play games, be patient, play, try again, but the best outcome we can hope for is to learn something in the process. If somebody wants to be with you, they would be. If they walk out of your life, let them.

Yet while we go around looking for the right partner, nobody seems to be interested in being the right partner. Why is that?

This is what I love about this song. It could easily have been “Somebody to love me”, like so many other love songs, but it’s not. It’s a testament to our capacity to give love, not our yearning to receive it. This is something I’m trying to cultivate. I cannot make anybody love me, but I can make conscious choices about the kind of person I want to be. The universe does not owe me anything. We sometimes get caught up in expecting rewards for being a good person that we forget that being a good person is the reward. It’s the only sane way to live. It nurtures your soul.

I’d like to dedicate this song to Cheryl Strayed, whose Tiny Beautiful Things is one of the best books I have ever read. It’s a continuous source of inspiration in good and bad times. When I was on the Camino tending to my wounded heart, it reminded me that I have to reach. Sitting still and waiting for my fortune to change is never an option. Her advice: “Be about ten times more magnanimous than you believe yourself capable of. Your life will be a hundred times better for it.’” In the wake of heartbreak, it’s as important and relevant as ever. I will fall short 100 times a day, but I will keep trying. I will not give in to cynicism and bitterness.

Oh Lord, find me somebody to love. I hope I can rise up to the challenge. I am willing and able.

Ophelia out.

 

Bonus: For a dramatic re-enactment of my break-up, this is word by word what happened. Angel (as my ex) is full of shit of course, he was just leaving for his own spin-off. Nothing noble about it.