Confession: Tick Tick…Boom jolted something awake in me. We only have a short time to share our stories and I have not been honouring mine. Writing this blog is a little bit like quitting smoking. It doesn’t matter how many times I chicken out, I will not give up. My (mental) health is at stake here. This song is the inspiration I bring with me into the new year.
One of the hardest choices we have in life in to decide whether something is worth fighting for or whether the time has come to bow out. I’m finding myself at such crossroads now. Professionally, I’m having what in showbusiness would be called “creative differences”. Yes, this is a euphemism for intense personal – and generational – clashes. It’s a tragedy how we all want the same thing – for the company to succeed – but cannot agree on much else.
I’ve been in the backseat for the last 5 years, learning and absorbing information and doing all that was asked of me. I’ve been thrown more challenges than I can handle. It’s been the greatest lesson thus far in life in letting go of perfectionism. I failed many times and had to get back up again. Learn your lessons and move on. Done is better than good. A bad decision on time is better than a good decision too late. It’s been quite the rollercoaster. One by one I had my illusions shattered and I had to reasses over and over again what the hell I was doing there in the first place. Yet it’s precisely the growth I have experienced over the past years that now puts me in a clash with leadership. Our views have grown apart so much to have become incompatible. Where do we go from here?
It’s perfectly reasonable to conclude that I’m in the wrong here. It’s not my company and they are not my decisions to make. After all, I talk about work starting by boasting about my many failures. (Note to self: don’t do this in a job interview) I also acknowledge that my employer doesn’t make up the rules of the game. We’re all part of something bigger that we have no control over. This is the burden we share. But if I am not the right fit for the company and am not performing according to expectations, then I also have no reason to carry on and find myself at the same crossroads.
Alain de Botton says about career anxiety that it is our latent talent howling through our minds, desperate not to go to the grave unspent. That notion is a little too romantic for my taste, but it does resonate with me at a time I feel absolutely trapped. Cages or wings? Which do you prefer?
It’s true what they say: “Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs”. I’m not a trailblazer. I don’t stick my neck out and have great respect for the people who do so. I have absolutely no problem to help somebody else build their dream, but only as long as I believe in it. It’s important to me that the work I do is meaningful and that it reflects my values. This sounds like a classic first world problem, but when you have a job that you’re basically married to 24/7 it’s not a luxury. It’s essential. The last thing I want it to grow into a bitter, cynical and resentful person. If I’m going to be miserable at work, make it at least a classic 9-to-5 job so that I can find joy in the rest of my life.
So should I stay or should I go? The only decision I can make is to stay true to myself and accept whatever the outcome may be. I have a responsability to guard my boundaries, respect and love myself, and live my life with integrity. Those are the wings I want to give to myself. How can something so simple be so hard?
Cheryl Strayed said it most succintly: “Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
I hope that someday I can look back at this time in my life and sing with Leonard Cohen: Like a bird on a wire, I’ve tried in my way to be free.
I would like to dedicate this song to my colleague, boss, “work-husband”, Felix. The past 4 years have been the most professionally rewarding of my life. You motivate and inspire me to be a better person. You always had my back and carried me when I couldn’t carry myself. If somebody now asks me what I look for in a job, I pretty much say I want to work with people like you. You made me feel like a person who deserves to be treated well when I struggled to treat myself well. That’s been the greatest gift. We are both at crossroads in our life right now. The stakes are much higher for you than they are for me. I have no idea if my staying or going will help or hurt you in the long term. I think there are many possible outcomes, both good and bad. I just want you to know I’m at peace with whatever you decide and you have my full support. You need to do what’s best for you. It’s your life and you don’t owe anyone anything. Let’s both just remember this going forward: actions speak louder than words.
Ophelia out.
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